Some thoughts on my name and gender
I planned to keep the pages in the Observatory strictly about space, but since Jupiter is my namesake, I thought I'd make an exception. It's kind of about space, I guess, since space is so intertwined with my identity that I feel my love for it has curled up in the same place in my chest cavity where my gender hangs out. In my head I'm less a human being with organs and more a weird ribcage with a bunch of feelings sloshing about. There's probably a Pretty Hate Machine casette stuffed under my collarbone or something.
I'm Jupiter. I've been going by Jupiter for about two or three years now. I'm nonbinary, and I have dysphoria, which meant I had to choose my own name. I don't know how parents deal with that shit, man. How do you name a whole human being? I can't even name a book character. Thanks to my chronic indecision I went through a lot of names before I settled on Avery Jupiter. About 5-6 of them, including my deadname. It's a bit of a dull journey, so I won't take you through all of them, but they're all still important to me in their own way.
My current name is especially important to me. I stole "Jupiter" from a book called Nevermoor by Jessica Townsend, which I first read before I came out. "Avery" I just found on a baby name website, but I later realised that I share a name with one of the kids from Charlotte's Web. I loved that movie growing up. My name links back to my childhood, my interest in space, my love of reading. My name feels like coming home.
I don't always enjoy being nonbinary, but being able to shape myself makes it almost worth it. I probably would've just kept my deadname all my life if I was cis, since I still think it's a lovely name. Isn't that a loss? To have a name that feels nice, sure, but isn't home? My name is only home because I built it with my own two hands. It's the same with the rest of my identity. I had some body image issues growing up, which I've now realised were the first seeds of dysphoria. I tried to be a perfect girl to combat those issues, but that just isn't me.
Instead I've had to learn to embrace myself, in all my complexity. I can't really pin down a gender expression, or even the entirety of my gender. I've always been very feminine, I wasn't on the "tomboy to transmasc" train. But I've always had a fascination with masculinity too. And now I'm finally in a space where I can just... Be. I love dresses and makeup. I love hoodies and ripped up jeans and people having to do a double-take to figure out my gender. I love androgyny, being pretty the way boys are, and learning to find a home in my body. It's gross but I'm even learning to piss standing up.
Like I said, space has crawled into the same place my gender is. It's expansive and confusing and a little scary. But it's beautiful too. All of this is to say, hey, if you think you might be trans but are worried you don't relate to other trans people? I'm here. There's no one way to be a man, woman, or nonbinary person. And if you ARE trans, treat it as a gift if you can. Because it is a gift, to be able to shape yourself, to choose your own name, body, soul. This quote, I think, says it best:
“God blessed me by making me transsexual for the same reason God made wheat but not bread and fruit but not wine, so that humanity might share in the act of creation.”
Something That May Shock and Discredit You, by Daniel Mallory Ortberg